There was an omnipresent chill all around. I shoved my hands inside my pockets, looked down, and kept walking. Tucked my hair behind my ears as the wind kept brushing it. I went to the playground first. I sat on the swings and stared into space. No laughs, no giggles, just pure acknowledgement of this place and my presence there. I stood up, kicked some sand, and got walking again. A dog howled in the distance. Television sounds drifted through the streets.
The cafe was open. Not crowded, yet had a steady flow of customers. I took my usual place- the booth beside the window. Chicken salad. The waitress came back with my order. I noticed they had changed the plates. There used to be sunflowers on the China, now there were lillies. Well...
I paid for my food and got a coffee to-go.
Next was church. I went to the bench on the fourth row and kneeled. I had nothing to pray for, so I just be. No matter what I've said, this place did offer peace. The burning candles under the crucifix made the metal shine. I made the sign of the cross and got up. My footsteps echoed across the hall as I closed the door with a thud.
The streets were getting calmer now. I pulled up my hoodie. Also, colder. There was one last place I needed to go before heading back home. The bus stop.
He had always insisted on taking the bus. It had something to do with the government using our taxes for public transport/climate change. I'm not sure which one it was, or maybe both? I never really paid much attention. He would go on with his banter, and I would grumble about why we can't take the car like normal people do. I wish I had listened more. Bus 321 arrived. The door opened. Closed. I stood up, walked, kept walking, and didn't look back.
I rustled the keys out of my pocket and opened the door. The warmth of the house embraced me like it knew I needed a hug. Somehow, this house felt more acceptable now.
It had been exactly a month since Pa died.
A month of denial where I shut myself inside the house, refusing to accept his absence. Not today, though. Today I had been to all those places where we used to go together. Kathy had offered to come with me, she had told me I didn't need to do this alone. But I did. I needed to accept that I was alone. And that it is okay to be alone. Sure it felt a little cold, and a little hollow. But the streets had not changed, the places were still the same. Only my world had changed. And I needed to learn how to live in it.
When Pa taught me how to ride a bicycle, he had let go without telling me, and it was only when I turned to look back that I realised I was doing it all by myself. This was something like that (Well played, Pa).
Today I had looked back on all those things that had memories attached to them, and though I hadn't really aced it, I now had hope that I could possibly do it this time too. All by myself. Sure I would fall a couple times, but I would get back up. And then I'd treat myself to an ice-cream, bruised knees et al. Because diabetes doesn't hurt as much as a bruised knee! Did I just make a dad joke? Well, it's like he never left!
Goodbye, Pa. Until next time.
The cafe was open. Not crowded, yet had a steady flow of customers. I took my usual place- the booth beside the window. Chicken salad. The waitress came back with my order. I noticed they had changed the plates. There used to be sunflowers on the China, now there were lillies. Well...
I paid for my food and got a coffee to-go.
Next was church. I went to the bench on the fourth row and kneeled. I had nothing to pray for, so I just be. No matter what I've said, this place did offer peace. The burning candles under the crucifix made the metal shine. I made the sign of the cross and got up. My footsteps echoed across the hall as I closed the door with a thud.
The streets were getting calmer now. I pulled up my hoodie. Also, colder. There was one last place I needed to go before heading back home. The bus stop.
He had always insisted on taking the bus. It had something to do with the government using our taxes for public transport/climate change. I'm not sure which one it was, or maybe both? I never really paid much attention. He would go on with his banter, and I would grumble about why we can't take the car like normal people do. I wish I had listened more. Bus 321 arrived. The door opened. Closed. I stood up, walked, kept walking, and didn't look back.
I rustled the keys out of my pocket and opened the door. The warmth of the house embraced me like it knew I needed a hug. Somehow, this house felt more acceptable now.
It had been exactly a month since Pa died.
A month of denial where I shut myself inside the house, refusing to accept his absence. Not today, though. Today I had been to all those places where we used to go together. Kathy had offered to come with me, she had told me I didn't need to do this alone. But I did. I needed to accept that I was alone. And that it is okay to be alone. Sure it felt a little cold, and a little hollow. But the streets had not changed, the places were still the same. Only my world had changed. And I needed to learn how to live in it.
When Pa taught me how to ride a bicycle, he had let go without telling me, and it was only when I turned to look back that I realised I was doing it all by myself. This was something like that (Well played, Pa).
Today I had looked back on all those things that had memories attached to them, and though I hadn't really aced it, I now had hope that I could possibly do it this time too. All by myself. Sure I would fall a couple times, but I would get back up. And then I'd treat myself to an ice-cream, bruised knees et al. Because diabetes doesn't hurt as much as a bruised knee! Did I just make a dad joke? Well, it's like he never left!
Goodbye, Pa. Until next time.
Beautiful.Loved it :)
ReplyDeleteThank you! :)
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